It's been a few months since my last post, and yet again, I return to visually verbalize something I am struggling with. Not a venting post, so to speak, more of a i-need-to-express-my-concerns-in-an-area-outloud-but-someplace-other-than-my-shower post.
Four months have passed since I graduated for the third time in my life (fourth, if you include my pre-school graduation, a very proud moment in my life I must say; the first three were high school, undergrad and grad school), and I have not made much progress in finding a job somewhere. I have had three interviews and a call for a fourth. Two of them have already told me no, the call I said no to, as I didn't realize quite how far away the position was, and I'm still waiting on the fourth. I've applied for a total of at least 25 positions since September. Twenty five! And only three actual interviews. In spite of me currently having a temp position somewhere, the job search has been daunting and depressing and discouraging, to say the least.
And now that I have returned "home," and am once again away from college friends, I realize just how lonely I feel. In more ways than one.
This loneliness has intensified greatly over the last month since a rather large disagreement with a friend developed. It was really over something that began as a minor church issue that sprang up to something bigger. It all started when I noticed she wasn't coming to morning bible class on Sundays. Understand that attendance at church is something that is very important to me. I only ever miss if I've sick. Because if you dedicate yourself to something like church and you don't go, well, you aren't very dedicated to it, are you? I approached her about this, she laughed it off. This continued to happen. I approached her a second time. She blamed it on sleeping through her alarm and gave an excuse about her job being stressful and that's why she needed the extra sleep. I couldn't understand how she was sleeping through her alarm, considering Sunday is actually a day she gets to sleep in by quite a few hours (compared to the work week for her). When I expressed that I couldn't understand it, and even pointed out that other people had more stressful positions, yet they still managed to get to services on time, she had nothing to say in response. For the following month, she didn't speak to me. Her attendance at church decreased even more to where we never knew which service she'd be at, but it would typically be only one per week, as opposed to the available 3. All of this culminated in a conversation where I broached the subject for a third time, and ended with her telling me that she wanted our friendship to be over.
While I will not reveal all the details of what was actually said back and forth, I am very upset by everything that happened. I know there was a lot that I could have expressed better, but the ultimate message I attempted to try to help her understand is something that I still stand by. And it's a message that many others of the church agree with. If you are going to be a committed Christian and become a member of a church, you need to actually be there and be a part of it. And she wasn't. But I am still having a rough time coming to terms with her virtually ending our friendship. She could have just said she disagreed with me and that she didn't want to discuss it anymore. But that was never said.
Please understand that I'm the type of person that doesn't have a great deal of friends. I have a few friends that I am very close to and that's it. Where I live now, this friend was really my only friend. Now that she isn't speaking to me, I don't have anyone to call for support who can be there at a moment's notice. I don't have anyone with whom I can have a guitar hero night with. I don't have anyone with whom I can share awesome Doctor Who news. I have no one here.
I do still have friends, but none of them are close by. None of them are people that I can say, "hey, I'm gonna stop by tonight and hang out for a bit."
To top it all off, I am still not dating. I've had friends tell me about guys they would like to set me up with, or guys I know that I have felt hopeful about. But it is inevitable that these guys will all somehow find another girl before I work up the courage to try to encourage them to ask me out. I've tried playing the "I'll ask them out" game, but I normally chicken out, or it just doesn't work.
All of these have sort of combined recently. I'm struggling with my job search, I don't have a good support group of friends around me, and my romantic life is completely lacking (I refer to it as a perpetually single life). As I've been considering these things, I have made the realization that there are five things that could be available in a person's life to make them happy. They are as follows:
1) A healthy romantic relationship
2) A fulfilling occupation about which one is passionate
3) An amazing and supportive group of friends.
4) A healthy spiritual life
5) A passion upon which one can devote their time and energy, not work related.
Anyone of these things can, in my opinion, help someone realize a more full lifestyle. I will go ahead and say that I try at my spiritual life, but I don't try hard enough. I need to focus on this more. But I find myself wanting one of the four other options more than this. For my ultimate goal, which is heaven, this is most definitely an unhealthy perspective. And I get frustrated when I look at the other options. As I've said before, I have no romantic life to speak of, no group of friends I can turn to and a temp job that will end soon with no permanent position to move to when it is over.
I attempt to focus on my spiritual life, but I won't delude myself into thinking it's enough. I need to do much, much better. I try to focus on what I can, then, which is a separate passion. For me, I've tried to make this my writing. Who knows, it could turn into something lucrative for me if I settle down and do what needs to be done. But I find it increasingly difficult to do this with a full-time, soon to end, responsibility of a temp job. But I try.
And I continue to allow my loneliness and failures in my journey for permanent employment to get me down. So until then, I compartmentalize. I ignore my worries and my loneliness and immerse myself in books and the written word. I'm so glad the written word is there to give me comfort and guidance and company. Because if it weren't there, what would I have?
Perpetually Single,
Princess Booka
Four months have passed since I graduated for the third time in my life (fourth, if you include my pre-school graduation, a very proud moment in my life I must say; the first three were high school, undergrad and grad school), and I have not made much progress in finding a job somewhere. I have had three interviews and a call for a fourth. Two of them have already told me no, the call I said no to, as I didn't realize quite how far away the position was, and I'm still waiting on the fourth. I've applied for a total of at least 25 positions since September. Twenty five! And only three actual interviews. In spite of me currently having a temp position somewhere, the job search has been daunting and depressing and discouraging, to say the least.
And now that I have returned "home," and am once again away from college friends, I realize just how lonely I feel. In more ways than one.
This loneliness has intensified greatly over the last month since a rather large disagreement with a friend developed. It was really over something that began as a minor church issue that sprang up to something bigger. It all started when I noticed she wasn't coming to morning bible class on Sundays. Understand that attendance at church is something that is very important to me. I only ever miss if I've sick. Because if you dedicate yourself to something like church and you don't go, well, you aren't very dedicated to it, are you? I approached her about this, she laughed it off. This continued to happen. I approached her a second time. She blamed it on sleeping through her alarm and gave an excuse about her job being stressful and that's why she needed the extra sleep. I couldn't understand how she was sleeping through her alarm, considering Sunday is actually a day she gets to sleep in by quite a few hours (compared to the work week for her). When I expressed that I couldn't understand it, and even pointed out that other people had more stressful positions, yet they still managed to get to services on time, she had nothing to say in response. For the following month, she didn't speak to me. Her attendance at church decreased even more to where we never knew which service she'd be at, but it would typically be only one per week, as opposed to the available 3. All of this culminated in a conversation where I broached the subject for a third time, and ended with her telling me that she wanted our friendship to be over.
While I will not reveal all the details of what was actually said back and forth, I am very upset by everything that happened. I know there was a lot that I could have expressed better, but the ultimate message I attempted to try to help her understand is something that I still stand by. And it's a message that many others of the church agree with. If you are going to be a committed Christian and become a member of a church, you need to actually be there and be a part of it. And she wasn't. But I am still having a rough time coming to terms with her virtually ending our friendship. She could have just said she disagreed with me and that she didn't want to discuss it anymore. But that was never said.
Please understand that I'm the type of person that doesn't have a great deal of friends. I have a few friends that I am very close to and that's it. Where I live now, this friend was really my only friend. Now that she isn't speaking to me, I don't have anyone to call for support who can be there at a moment's notice. I don't have anyone with whom I can have a guitar hero night with. I don't have anyone with whom I can share awesome Doctor Who news. I have no one here.
I do still have friends, but none of them are close by. None of them are people that I can say, "hey, I'm gonna stop by tonight and hang out for a bit."
To top it all off, I am still not dating. I've had friends tell me about guys they would like to set me up with, or guys I know that I have felt hopeful about. But it is inevitable that these guys will all somehow find another girl before I work up the courage to try to encourage them to ask me out. I've tried playing the "I'll ask them out" game, but I normally chicken out, or it just doesn't work.
All of these have sort of combined recently. I'm struggling with my job search, I don't have a good support group of friends around me, and my romantic life is completely lacking (I refer to it as a perpetually single life). As I've been considering these things, I have made the realization that there are five things that could be available in a person's life to make them happy. They are as follows:
1) A healthy romantic relationship
2) A fulfilling occupation about which one is passionate
3) An amazing and supportive group of friends.
4) A healthy spiritual life
5) A passion upon which one can devote their time and energy, not work related.
Anyone of these things can, in my opinion, help someone realize a more full lifestyle. I will go ahead and say that I try at my spiritual life, but I don't try hard enough. I need to focus on this more. But I find myself wanting one of the four other options more than this. For my ultimate goal, which is heaven, this is most definitely an unhealthy perspective. And I get frustrated when I look at the other options. As I've said before, I have no romantic life to speak of, no group of friends I can turn to and a temp job that will end soon with no permanent position to move to when it is over.
I attempt to focus on my spiritual life, but I won't delude myself into thinking it's enough. I need to do much, much better. I try to focus on what I can, then, which is a separate passion. For me, I've tried to make this my writing. Who knows, it could turn into something lucrative for me if I settle down and do what needs to be done. But I find it increasingly difficult to do this with a full-time, soon to end, responsibility of a temp job. But I try.
And I continue to allow my loneliness and failures in my journey for permanent employment to get me down. So until then, I compartmentalize. I ignore my worries and my loneliness and immerse myself in books and the written word. I'm so glad the written word is there to give me comfort and guidance and company. Because if it weren't there, what would I have?
Perpetually Single,
Princess Booka
